Anxiety in Brussels
02/07/10 12:18
I’ve spent much of my life without thinking about it very much. Having feelings, certainly, but being swept up in them as if they have a life of their own and that I had little choice but to go along for the ride. For me, that meant episodes of depression and living with the constant feeling that I just didn’t fit in anywhere like I thought everyone else managed to do so naturally.
I’m writing this post from Brussels. Like many Americans, I haven’t traveled much outside the US. Yesterday I woke up with mind and body out of sync from jet lag. I am staying in a place that is a 20-minute ride on the Metro into downtown Brussels. As I was walking to the Metro station, I started becoming aware of deep uneasiness. At first I dismissed my feelings as an adjustment to the time difference.
But as I sat with my experience, I realized that I was feeling loneliness and a great deal of free-floating anxiety. I was very anxious about something but I wasn’t quite sure about what. I approached a couple of people to ask how the subway ticketing system worked and which train I wanted to get on. Even though they were very helpful, I was very uncomfortable about having to ask.
As I rode the train into downtown Brussels, the anxiety continued to build. Here I am, finally starting to have this great adventure I had been looking forward to since booking the trip and I am about to jump out of my skin. When I got off the train, I sat down on a bench at the station to spend a few minutes to reflect and figure out what was going on.
Self-awareness is the first step in developing and deploying emotional intelligence in your life. The beauty of developing the habit of scanning your self-awareness is that you’ll find the answers you are looking for but only if you take time to look within yourself to discover what is there.
The loneliness was easy to understand. I missed my wife. Given I have worked out of our home for so many years, we spend a great deal of time together and being without her for a week is like suddenly being disconnected from an important part of my Self.
But the anxiety and dis-ease took a little more digging. This was an all too familiar feeling. Like a lot of us, I grew up with a sense of not belonging, of somehow not being acceptable. Early in life, I started trying not to draw attention to myself or be in anyway “uncool.” I am of the opinion that we learn some lessons early in life that stay with us forever…they can be managed if we pay attention to them but they remain in the back of our consciousness nonetheless, like a miniature evil twin sitting on your shoulder, whispering into your ear.
So there I was in completely foreign territory. Most of the signage is in Flemish or French. It was dark and foggy. I didn’t have a clue where I wanted to go and I didn’t want to look like a fool by having ask for suggestions. Far be it from me to ever look like I am anything but less than totally in control at all times.
Even as I write these words, I can see the harshness of the self-criticism that, objectively, is totally unwarranted. Tourists ask for help all the time…talking with people is part of the adventure of travel. But given my early programming, the need to acknowledge I didn’t have a clue and that I needed to ask strangers for directions and suggestions had put me into an overload of anxiety. Had I not taken a few moments to scan my body and my feelings to learn what was there, I would have had a very different evening.
I recalled a mental device from my skydiving days in the 1970’s. Unless you are a fool, you are going to feel something akin to terror crawling out on the strut of a Cessna at 2500 feet and letting go. But the adrenaline rush was so intoxicating that I kept coming back for more, even though I’d wake up on jump days with fear gnawing my insides.
After about 15 or 20 jumps, I began to realize that the physiological states of fear and excitement are amazingly similar. On the way to the drop zone, I started to experiment with relabeling my feelings as excitement, certainly with a bit of fear mixed in, but excitement nonetheless. Eventually, the fear disappeared altogether. Free fall was the most exciting thing I’d ever experienced and I wanted more of it.
I reminded myself that exploring a new city in Europe is yet another occasion for excitement. Anything akin to anxiety was only going to ruin my night. Once I understood what I was feeling, the anxiety started to dissipate. I started approaching people for directions and soon found myself surrounded by beautiful architecture, wonderful stores to browse, and enough Belgium chocolate to satisfy even chocolate addict like myself.
I am having a great time.
I’m writing this post from Brussels. Like many Americans, I haven’t traveled much outside the US. Yesterday I woke up with mind and body out of sync from jet lag. I am staying in a place that is a 20-minute ride on the Metro into downtown Brussels. As I was walking to the Metro station, I started becoming aware of deep uneasiness. At first I dismissed my feelings as an adjustment to the time difference.
But as I sat with my experience, I realized that I was feeling loneliness and a great deal of free-floating anxiety. I was very anxious about something but I wasn’t quite sure about what. I approached a couple of people to ask how the subway ticketing system worked and which train I wanted to get on. Even though they were very helpful, I was very uncomfortable about having to ask.
As I rode the train into downtown Brussels, the anxiety continued to build. Here I am, finally starting to have this great adventure I had been looking forward to since booking the trip and I am about to jump out of my skin. When I got off the train, I sat down on a bench at the station to spend a few minutes to reflect and figure out what was going on.
Self-awareness is the first step in developing and deploying emotional intelligence in your life. The beauty of developing the habit of scanning your self-awareness is that you’ll find the answers you are looking for but only if you take time to look within yourself to discover what is there.
The loneliness was easy to understand. I missed my wife. Given I have worked out of our home for so many years, we spend a great deal of time together and being without her for a week is like suddenly being disconnected from an important part of my Self.
But the anxiety and dis-ease took a little more digging. This was an all too familiar feeling. Like a lot of us, I grew up with a sense of not belonging, of somehow not being acceptable. Early in life, I started trying not to draw attention to myself or be in anyway “uncool.” I am of the opinion that we learn some lessons early in life that stay with us forever…they can be managed if we pay attention to them but they remain in the back of our consciousness nonetheless, like a miniature evil twin sitting on your shoulder, whispering into your ear.
So there I was in completely foreign territory. Most of the signage is in Flemish or French. It was dark and foggy. I didn’t have a clue where I wanted to go and I didn’t want to look like a fool by having ask for suggestions. Far be it from me to ever look like I am anything but less than totally in control at all times.
Even as I write these words, I can see the harshness of the self-criticism that, objectively, is totally unwarranted. Tourists ask for help all the time…talking with people is part of the adventure of travel. But given my early programming, the need to acknowledge I didn’t have a clue and that I needed to ask strangers for directions and suggestions had put me into an overload of anxiety. Had I not taken a few moments to scan my body and my feelings to learn what was there, I would have had a very different evening.
I recalled a mental device from my skydiving days in the 1970’s. Unless you are a fool, you are going to feel something akin to terror crawling out on the strut of a Cessna at 2500 feet and letting go. But the adrenaline rush was so intoxicating that I kept coming back for more, even though I’d wake up on jump days with fear gnawing my insides.
After about 15 or 20 jumps, I began to realize that the physiological states of fear and excitement are amazingly similar. On the way to the drop zone, I started to experiment with relabeling my feelings as excitement, certainly with a bit of fear mixed in, but excitement nonetheless. Eventually, the fear disappeared altogether. Free fall was the most exciting thing I’d ever experienced and I wanted more of it.
I reminded myself that exploring a new city in Europe is yet another occasion for excitement. Anything akin to anxiety was only going to ruin my night. Once I understood what I was feeling, the anxiety started to dissipate. I started approaching people for directions and soon found myself surrounded by beautiful architecture, wonderful stores to browse, and enough Belgium chocolate to satisfy even chocolate addict like myself.
I am having a great time.